Giving Up

I’m giving up…

I’ve no strength, faith in me anymore. I’m waiting for the right time and opportunity. I came, won and lose a few battles but in the end, in fact, I lost everything.

I lost myself. I can’t find the rationality in me anymore. The cheerfulness in me starts to leave and what is left is sorrow. I lost my faith, my strength, my dignity and the most precious… friendship.

I feel so tired. I’ve no energy to fight for what I deserved and wanted. I can’t hold on to my belief and principle anymore as I’m not sure they are right or not.

It’s hard to go against the flow. I can’t change things at here. I know with my defeat, there’re people out there celebrating their victory. I do have a weak spirit and will. I no longer can hold my head high and fight for what I believe is right.

There is no justice. Even there is, it came in a great price. All this while, I’ve been upholding my so called justice but now I am paying a great price for what I fought.

My heart feel ache.

I know that I got nobody to blame beside myself.

A Day Which My Emotion Rules

At this time, I should be busy coming out with the copy for the few ads but my brain is not heeding any commands. In fact, she has gang up with my emotions to sabotage my conscience and tells my hands to do otherwise.

Ms. Emotion is having her calls today. She had been on a roller-coaster ride today. Poor her. She was so upset and frustrated this early afternoon when she heard something bad. Her angriness provoked every part of me to react. The brain sent signals to the hands and a call was made to my boss.

Ms. Emotion took over when I told my boss about what I’ve been told. I was so frustrated that my hand was shaking when I blurted out the words.

Sigh…. I don’t know whether I wanted to take any action for that incident. My emotion of course told me to go ahead but when she cools down, I was once again backing into a dazed. Sometimes I really don’t know whether I’m ruled by emotion or my rationalism of which I doubt whether it ever existed. Meanwhile, my conscience likes to play hide-and-seek from time to time.

After that, I went for my lunch appointment and there went my whole afternoon rushing here and there. I was so tired when I came back into the office and I really can’t come out with any creative words for the ads.

As a reward to my body and my emotion, my brain is doing every part of me a big favour by writing out this entry.

It’s so relaxing when I take time to write this out that I naturally smile without knowing until my colleague asked why I am smiling to myself. In additional to that, when I looked up, I saw him sitting there having his discussion. I wasn’t aware at first as I’ve put down my glasses.

Before anyone starts to ask who is ‘he’ that I just mentioned then let me come straight with all of you. No. He’s not my crush. There’s nothing. Just that I think he’s smart and is some sort like a silly personal joke that I used to amuse myself. =)

Numb

I’m in such a daze now. Too many emotions at one time until I feel so confused. I don’t know to feel angry or sad or frustrated. I just few tired and a bit lifeless.

Anyway, I already feel that I’m a bit emo in these few days. The particular few days in a month is around the corner. If you know what I mean.

Just in an hour of time, my emo ran high and low. No thanks to my hot temper. As what my boss told me, I think I gotta cap it.

Sigh…

It all happened when I talked to the she-thinks-she’s-so clever sub-ordinate. And that had made things worse. I tried to explain that what she did is wrong and she kept telling me another story. And that had ignited my oh-so-faithful bad temper. I used #%^^&%$ as an adjective. Wrong move.

She thought I was scolding her. At first I was mad. Hearing her banged things around made me even madder. But after second thought and a few puff, I decided to explain again and apologise to her.

Well, sorry it’s always a hard word for me to say. But I gotta say it as I really shouldn’t talk like this to her in front of others.

Sigh…

I gotta let her vent out her frustration too so I let her voiced out with me saying not even a word. She was lucky that my “battery” went flat. Otherwise, with my nature, she would get even worse from me.

Sigh…

After that, came another one angry mad customer complaining about the service that he received. I was so patient in trying to cool him down and gave him my best convincing look, telling him how I understand his feeling.

Sigh…

And of course, I needed to listen to his frustration. He kept banging at the table and was yelling. I was like taming an angry lion. Phew… luckily I already felt numb with the previous incident that I felt nothing much towards his barbaric actions.

Problem not solved. But luckily at last, he cool down. Agree to let us try to solve his problem.

Sigh…

Just let my boss to settle it tomorrow.

The Smile

Thinking back the smile that you gave me
A sense of happiness fills me
A simple yet a warm smile
Even how tough the day, it carries me from miles to miles

The smile is no longer here
And I won’t let it bring me tears
A heave of sigh and I shall walk on
To find the happiness that I long

I wish that you’re happy, that you’re fine
To others your smile continues to shine
A short note from me to you
To show that once, perhaps, I felt something for you…

At This Moment

It’s almost seven in the evening and it’s time for me to go off but since I don’t want to go so soon, hence it’s the perfect time for me to write down something.

There’re lots of thing that I wish to write. Hmm… where shall I start?

Sigh… work. I do like my job, really. But I believe it’s hard to avoid hiccups. There’re lots of things that I haven’t pick up thus sometimes problems will arise when my boss expect me to know how to handle it. I always lost my cool when problems happened. I do hate myself for not able to control it. I even thought of leaving. But leaving is not a solution. I just hope that I can take things one step at a time. As I said, I believe I can soar but provided that I’ve a good foundation. That’s why I hope that there’s someone to guide me and teach me along the way.

Ok… The next issue… love. Big sigh… Well, there’s nothing there yet. No target. Nothing. Actually there’s a false alarm in the beginning. Aherrm… I thought that I’ve a crush on someone… but anyway, there’s nothing now so I can just keep it to myself.

Well, if there’ll be someone, eventually he will be there… sigh… if the person turn out to despise me then he just have to leave. I don’t want and need someone who can’t see me for who I am. I can’t have someone who can’t accept my flaws and all. If he believes that he’s too good for me then he’s wrong. He just doesn’t know what he’d missed. Ok… I know that the last sentence seems too much but hey, I’m not really that bad! Am I?

Is That A Crush?

Today boss is not around so it’s the perfect time to laze around. ;p I feel so tired & sleepy now so... the perfect excuse is to blog. :D

Today entry will be about crushes.

How do you know whether it's a crush or not? I've been wondering about this lately. I don't know whether I have developed one or it's just...

The person doesn't really what I normally attracted to. Maybe lately there’s nobody for me to think of hence I automatically will think of him. Darn... What have I got myself into?!

His presence doesn’t really inflict anything in me but when he’s not around then it seems that something is missing. Even if he happens to be around, we hardly even talk. Darn…

Girls are so irritating. Guys are even worse!

But… I guess I don’t really feel something special towards him as I found others guy are much attractive than him. (Am I babbling now? Yes!)

He’s annoying but I’m far more irritating. Stupid lulu bell.

My Definition of Prince Charming

Feeling lazy and sitting in the office, I decided to write a few words before I go off. Hmm.. As promised, this entry will be about my non-existing love life. But if it's non-exist then what am I going to write? Duh...

Well, being changed to a new working environment does expand my life circle and naturaly that includes of guys. But Mr. Right is still nowhere to be seen. People around me always told me not to be choosy but actually it's not always me being choosy. The fact is the right one hasn't turn up yet. As the chinese saying goes "you choose for others, others choose for you". Well, my case will be the latter. I'm waiting for others to choose.

Sound desperate? Not exactly. I'm not those who takes whatever they lay their eyes on. (They didn't call me choosy for nothing!) But at the same time, I'm not looking for Mr. Perfet either as no one is perfect.

I just want someone who really cares for me, someone who is smarter than I am so that I can count on him if things happened in the wrong way. Hopefully, someone who has humours so that when I feel down, he'll be there to brighten my day. Of course being a gentleman is a must! Looks doesn't really matter as I'm not Ms. Pretty myself. Someone who knows how to take care of his appearance is good enough.

Gosh... This entry is just like a boyfriend-seeking-advertisement! But since I've started then just let me continue. =)

A lot of girls dream of having a rich boyfriend but it never occurs to me to hope for one. But if he's rich, of course that will be a bonus. Though I can't see what's the big deal of having one and not. I can survive and mend on my own.

Hmm... What kind of guys I'm attracted to? Let me think. Smile. I've got a soft spot on smile. A sweet and beautiful smile can melt my heart. Voice can be a plus point to. Imagine someone sings you to sleep... =p

What characters matter to me? I dislike guys with no manners! That include table manners. Don't ever pick your nose, ears, mouth or whatever you can put your fingers into, in front of me. That's a huge turn off. Don't shake your legs but this one I still can close one eye. (See! I'm choosy. They're right) I do pay a lot of attention to someone's small gestures like opening door for you, passing you cultery during your meal or pouring you drinks.

Hah... no wonder I'm still single. Reading what I've written will sure scare guys running the other way. :D

Well, I believe there's someone out there waiting for me just that I haven't met him yet! (now I'm in self deceiving mood) That's all for the day! Ciao and see you all soon.

Another Part of Working Life

It has been quite some time since my last entry. Could hardly find a time to write down something. Well, I've been busy with work (most of the time if I'm not walking here & there with my colleague =p). Even if I'm in my clear mind to write then it will be writing PR releases or other work related copy.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining about my job. In fact, I quite like it (of course not including those stupid, nasty headache that someone gave me!) Well, there's not much to talk about my work anyway(you may not even bother, right?).

Okay, since I gotta go now then let me share bits of my (not really)love life in my next entry. Ciao!

Back to Work

After a week break, waiting the commencement of my new job, I'll be going out to KL in a short while. If I can choose then of course I wish to stay at here. My father, sisters and my lovely cat are here. This is the place where I can find true laughter and happiness.

After going out, I don't know when I'll be coming back. From now on I have to work on the first three Saturdays every month. Hence, I won't have the time to come back oftenly.

I hope that work will not be another nightmare and I can adapt to it very soon. Maybe I'm getting old so I'm worry that my adaptation to new environment will not be that fast.

This will be a new chapter in my life. Beside having a new job, I decided to get out less.... But that's another story.

Hope that I can get a laptop soon and will blog more frequently. To friends who follow my blog, stay tune! =)

The Wreckage

I'm now in a daze and choked with full of unknown emotions. Am I angry? Frustrated? Betrayed? Or even ..... I guess am filled with those.

Darn! I should have known that I should mind my bloody business all the while. Putting myself into situation that I shouldn't have was a terrible mistake. I'm spilling everything now but minus out all the names.

I treated you as my buddy. I shared all my things with you. I have been there when you were at your bottom. I thought that you would someday share this piece of good news with me. Though I knew you weren't obligated to tell me anything. I have been encouraging, telling you to pursue her because I really treated you as my brother. I might have crossed the line and even made you misunderstood that I have fallen for you. But I had explained that I wasn't as I will never fall for someone like you. I know what I want and who I wanted at that time.

And I remember that you told me that a friend will only walk a certain paths with you in your life but your life companion will be there for you for always. Hence, those were the paths that we shared and I will walk away out of your group, your life. My leaving is not to show that I'm pointing my fingers, blaming you. Is my selfishness and immaturity.

You know why whenever we went out in a group and I would throw a fit? Now I am telling you. I am a friend of all of you, for the least if you didn't treat me as a buddy. Could you please be considerate enough to care for my feelings. I wasn't going in a pair. I wanted an enjoyable trip too. All I wanted was some pathetic attention towards me. Not all the time. You could have your damnable own sweet times when both of you were alone but you let me strayed by myself. Whom could I talk too? What's the reason of going to a trip in a group. Do you know how it feels? I can tell you that it was terrible. Not that I was such a leech sticking at your side all the time. I did give all of you your personal time. I did stay by myself without sulking. I wasn't a total pathetic that yelled for attention every single minute. If you really cared for me then you wouldn't have did that.

Words can't describe how I feel. Pain that you have inflicted will never vanish. The trust between us had been broken. And now you walked your path and I will walk mine. Once a while our paths will meet but we will never share the same route. Yet, the good deeds that you have given will forever be remembered and I shall repay you and hold out my hands to you whenever you need a help.